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Kansas Debates Evolution, Other Suspicious Theories
The Kansas State Board of Education has begun hearings to determine whether the "theory" of evolution should be taught as part of the science curriculum in public schools. The Board is not calling for the teaching of creationism, but rather, a new concept called "intelligent design," which posits that the world is too complex to have come about by mere chance.
Says board spokesman Alan Smithee, "They've been teaching this evolution monkey business for years now, and it just doesn't sit right. All we're asking is to be able to teach our children what millions and millions of people who believe in a higher power already know - that Santa Claus created the world in six days."
"Intelligent design simply means there was plan as to how we got here. And you can't argue - there's no one more intelligent than Santa. He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake!"
Heartened by the positive response to this week's hearings on evolution, the Board is planning further changes to school curriculum. In economics classes, students will be taught the core financial practices which have led to the business success of the Tooth Fairy. Media studies courses will include lessons about the tiny elves that make the TV work, and Home Ec. classes will study the monster that lives in the dryer and steals socks.
Health education curricula will also be revised, as the Board will likely reject the suspicious theory that a man and a woman create a baby by having sex. "Where is the stork in all this?" asks Smithee. "Have we, as a society, strayed so far from our basic beliefs that we have to reject everything we're taught as children? It's time to return to the basic core values that we all knew and believed when we were six or seven years old."
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