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Arkansas Economy Prepares For Extinction
Federal officials announced Wednesday that the ivory-billed woodpecker, once thought to be extinct, still lives in the Cache River National Wildlife Refuge in Brinkley, Arkansas. Ornithologists around the world rejoiced at the news, most preparing for a pilgrimage to the Natural State.
"This discovery is amazing," declared Dr. Phil McCrackin, Director of Ornithology at Ouachita Technical College in Malvern, Arkansas. "We thought those guys were long gone, but I guess they've made a comeback. Kinda like John Travolta."
While McCrackin and other scientists around the world were delighted with the news, many residents of Arkansas do not share their excitement. Having seen the fickle nature of scientists and tourists before, most are hardly enthused about the discovery.
"Great, just great," exclaimed Brinkley businessman Maurice Blacka. "We just got done with the whole Clinton phenomenon and now we have to deal with this.
"Tourists are filthy, dirty animals," continued Blacka. "They leave trash everywhere and are usually pretty cheap. If I had known this bird was going to cause so many problems, I would have shot more of them."
Other residents aren't concerned about the tourists; rather, the increased scrutiny of the federal environmentalists worries them.
"I guess I'm going to have to find another job," confessed Morgan Fanberg, owner of the Arkansas Gift Shoppe. "Some eggheads from the Department of the Interior came in yesterday and told me that I can't sell any more 'Bills For Bills Letter Openers,' my best seller. I make most of my money off of those."
Authorities informed Fanberg that his popular letter openers are actually the bills of the now endangered woodpeckers. While no formal charges will be placed against Fanberg, who has made the letter openers since 1981, officials insisted that he stop production immediately.
"I thought I was just helping with the normal woodpecker population control," said Fanberg. "If I had known that was the extinct bird, I would probably be rich by now. I could have gone into town and made a killing selling those things on eBay. Oh well. Maybe there's still hope for my fox head belt buckles."
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