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  Homes and Gardens

Homeowners Rally in Washington, Demand Action

The DHHG Terror Alert: Celebrity Carpenters

The first annual homeowners' rally in Washington drew crowds in the tens of thousands, due to continued low interest rates and the climate of terror, which have combined to drive Americans to stay inside and decorate.

Homeowners lined the famous reflecting pool, where sponsors including HGTV and Home Depot handed out bottled water and color charts. The marchers' message rang out loud and clear, as they could be heard chanting "We're here! We're paying down a 30-Year! We're not going away!"

The vocal Lawn and Patio Element, once considered outsiders, were warmly welcomed to the gathering. The LPE's leader talked to reporters about their dissatisfaction with the Department of Homeland Homes and Gardens, which they criticized for its lack of attention to outdoor spaces.

"There has not been a single mention from Washington on the important issues that affect homeowners with lawns and patios. Americans want to go outside. They want to garden, they want to barbeque. We've been totally ignored by the DHHG, who chooses to focus entirely on the interior. Washington needs to open the door and look outside. Then they need to do a little weeding and maybe clean the grill."

There was a tense moment when a small radical group called TCKD OFF (Truth Concerning Kitchen Design) broke away from the main crowd and started to scale the Washington Monument. TCKD OFF has for years asserted the government is suppressing the truth about the kitchen triangle and the existence of Home Depot Store 51. TCKD OFF maintains that this super secret store is staffed with sales associates who have actual knowledge about the departments in which they work.

"It's not a myth!" insisted one protester. "The government knows it exists, but they refuse to tell the public about it." As the group was removed from the rally, they were heard chanting "What do we want? Counter space! When do we want it? NOW!"

Although the rally began late, went over budget and took twice as long as expected, organizers said they were pleased with the final result and would do it again.


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