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| You just walked into: Home > News | November 21st |
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 Rummy to Close PentagonMay 28 2005 by Greg Kuhl
In a stunning move designed to silence critics of his plan to close numerous military bases, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said today he will also shut down the Pentagon."Let's face it, this place costs a ton of money to run every day - money that we just don't have in our budget," Rumsfeld said at a Pentagon press conference, as his audience sat in stunned silence. "I also have to admit there have been innumerable bone-headed decisions that have come out of this building, some of them even made by me," Rumsfeld said. "So it's just time that we lock the door and throw away the key, so to speak, until things get better." Rumsfeld said it was unclear how long the Pentagon might remain closed, although "the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan are draining billions of our tax dollars, with no end in sight. It could be years, or even decades." But Rumsfeld said closing military bases and the Pentagon "doesn't mean that we've given up in fighting the war on terror. Quite the opposite. We remain committed to spending whatever billions it takes to see this folly, er, campaign, to its conclusion. Its victorious conclusion, I might add. Victorious for somebody." Rumsfeld said the Pentagon lost some of its luster for him "when that airliner crashed into it on 9/11. It just wasn't the same around here anymore. "All those pranks I used to pull on my underlings just didn't have the same meaning, the same sense of fun, anymore. Then we started the wars, and the thrill was just gone." Rumsfeld said military operations and planning would be done at the bases and posts around the country and the world that remain open. "We didn't need all those generals and admirals all doing the same jobs anyway," Rumsfeld said. "Even I've become kind of unnecessary. I might be out of a job, but I'm hoping that Halliburton or some other contractor needs a consultant. I heard there's a lot of money to be made in that field." Get DeadBrain delivered to your Inbox! Click here to sign up at our parent site. Consider the weekly and monthly editions, each of which contain all-new, laugh-out-loud office comedy you won't see on the website! Related Articles At Newsweek, Ritual Suicides and Flagellation May 20 2005
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