Saddam Profits From Wearing Nothing but His Calvins

Saying he was only too happy to profit from his misfortune, jailed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein today agreed to a 5-year, $25 million contract to become a Calvin Klein underwear model.

"Westerners thought they were embarrassing me by publishing photos of me in my underwear in those tabloid papers in London and New York," Hussein said in a telephone interview from an Iraqi jail.

"But, hey, even with my paunch and my man breasts, I still look good for being 68 years old. I know I look better than Arnold Schwarzenegger did in that picture without his shirt. And I'm grateful the Calvin Klein people thought the same thing."

Under the agreement, Hussein will appear on billboards, buses and in magazine ads. If the new campaign catches fire, Hussein could also hawk Calvin Klein underwear in television and radio spots.

"I couldn't be more excited," Hussein said. "It's a whole new career for me. In my former life, I was used to money and jewels and expensive things. Now I'll be able to afford a small portion of those baubles again.

"The best part is, now those American phonies don't have to act as though they were outraged that my picture appeared when I was just wearing underwear. C'mon, they didn't really care. No way. They just wanted to put on a good front."

Hussein declined comment on whether he was wearing Calvin Klein underwear in the jail photos, or another brand.

"What does it matter? The bottom line is, I'm going to make a boatload of money off the deal. Who cares about embarrassment? Plus, you know it's got to make the Bush Administration angry."

Vice President Dick Cheney said he was outraged that Hussein landed the lucrative contract.

"What is this world coming to?" Cheney asked. "Don't answer that. It's pretty sick that anyone - except for maybe Halliburton, Bechtel and oil companies - would profit from the war like he did.

"It's truly a sad day in the history of capitalism, unless, of course, I might be able to cut a similar deal."


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