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| You are staring at: Home > News | November 21st |
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"The Hills Are Alive, With Everything German..."May 30 2005 by Jim Bauman
I'm your typical DeadBrain reporter. I awoke, turned on my computer, and opened e-mail. A dialog box announced, "Achtung!...You've got mail frommt der Fatherland!"Scanning the subject lines on all 304 new messages, I came across the following: "She was hoary and lived like a German sausage-maker." "Ach Du Lieber! Field Marshall Herman Goering dancing in lederhosen." "Refinance your Haus Now - only 2 Billion Marks." "Mein Gott! Dis braunschweiger ist shaped like Hitler's head." "Buy Volkstormer Viagra for a better Weiner Schnitzel." "Cover your girlfriend in Bavarian schokolade cream pies." "Try Siegfried Line Rubberseins - avoid disease und a schocken." "Your grandmother wore Red Army boots and cleaned Stalin's toilet." "Hi I'm Heidi...check out my panzers und meine Bildenstrapen." I deleted all the messages. Disgusted, I decided I needed some fresh air and a smoke. While walking down the hallway, I bumped into my Italian-born landlord. He responded by saying, "Entschuldigen Sie, mein Herr!" "What did you say?" I said. "Your-ah rent is-ah due in-ah seven days," he said. Outside, I glanced over at the Polish restaurant that had been open for business the night before. The windows were shattered, and a make-shift, askew sign on the doorway stated, "Coming soon on this spot - Berchtesgaden Alpine Restaurant - fine German food." I walked on and came to a bookstore whose window was overflowing with Bill O'Reilly, Ann Coulter, and Rush Limbaugh screeds, but what caught my eye was a book at the center of them all entitled, "BBQ Without Charcoal. Burn Liberal Books." Feeling faint and stumbling home, I reached my apartment, and turned on C-SPAN to relax my mind. On the screen was Senator Bill Frist, the majority leader. Frist held his hands up and rolled his eyes while looking up at the Senate ceiling. Waving his head back and forth, he said, "Meine Senators, Aufwachen! Today, I vas sprechen mit meine counterpart in der House, UberReichRepresentive, Tom DeLay, und I told him vee need federal judges appointed zat'll preserve zee national purity of our nation..." Shaking, I quickly grabbed a beer - it was a Pilsner!!!! Get DeadBrain delivered to your Inbox! Click here to sign up at our parent site. Consider the weekly and monthly editions, each of which contain all-new, laugh-out-loud office comedy you won't see on the website!
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