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Alabama Bill Targets Lefty Authors
Declaring left-handedness "an unacceptable lifestyle," Republican Alabama lawmaker Gerald Allen has introduced a bill requiring state libraries to flush - not burn or bury - all copies of plays or books with left-handed authors or left-handed characters.
"I don't look at it as censorship," says Congressman Allen. "I look at it as protecting the hearts and hands of our children. Activist librarians harm young readers with books that promote the left-handed agenda, advising them to embrace their left-handedness."
Authors to be flushed include Mark Twain, H. G. Wells, Hans Christian Anderson, Eudora Welty, Franz Kafka, Nietzsche and Aristotle. Books about Julius Caesar, Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin and Albert Einstein would go, as well as books with the word "left" in the title, including "Left-Handed Haiku," "Women of the Left Bank" and "Heather Has a Left-Handed Mom." Shakespeare's plays would be consigned to the crapper for cross-bowing and ambidextrous sword-fighting.
Works by avowed ex-lefties would be exempt, as would The Bible, provided The Book of Judges be removed and flushed for its portrayals of Ehud and other left-handed Benjamites (3:12-29). The "Left Behind" rapture series will stay on the shelves due to threats of worldwide rioting.
Most librarians oppose the bill, while local plumbing businesses and Dexodus International applaud it. "Left-handedness is a curable disease, not a perversion to be encouraged and subsidized with our tax dollars," says Reah Gresso, founder of DI's Alabama chapter. "Besides," she adds, "everyone knows that those on the right inherit the kingdom of God while those on the left are sent into everlasting fire."
Lucy Ferr, Director of Left-handed Librarians, disparaged the bill as "a First Amendment violation that is positively sinister." Citing undisclosed sources, her group disputes Dexodus claims that Satan baptizes his followers with his left-hand.
In a related development, Unlearned Women for America is lobbying for a provision to purge public libraries of the word "and." The word is hailed by multi-culturists as inclusive, but disparaged by traditionalists as a tool to foster sympathy for frecklers, tongue-rollers and (see what they mean?) people with detached earlobes.
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