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| You are drifting somewhere near: Home > News | November 21st |
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Pope's Ring Declared Major Health HazardJun 1 2005 by JL Strickland
These nightmarish diseases are the new virulent form of AIDS arising in Africa; the deadly bird flu gaining ground in Asia; and a horrible, just discovered contagion apparently emanating from the Pope's ring. Dr. Cly T. Midia, director of the W.H.O.'s Department of Really Scary Stuff, says as spooky as the first two diseases are, the Pope's ring poses the more immediate threat. According to Dr. Midia, the problem is caused by the fervor with which many worshippers approach the Pontiff's finger adornment. Instead of bestowing a chaste little peck, they actually suck the ring into their mouths, with the accompanying discharge of saliva and heavy, hot breathing - a perfect incubator for spreading germs. And being as many of these supplicants are Catholic priests, who can say where their mouths have been? This vile situation came to light recently after a weather researcher who lives at the North Pole came down with a disfiguring disease called "llama lip," a sinister rash only seen before on animal herders in the Andes. Shrewd medical detective work discovered that the North Pole resident and some South American pilgrims had recently been in Rome on the same day, and had taken turns slurping the Pope's ring. The W.H.O. emergency response requests that one of the Pope's sycophants either spray the ring with a squirt of single malt holy water between osculations, or instruct the faithful to just perform one of those phony "air kisses" perfected by show-business types. It seems unlikely that either of these suggestions will be followed. In a statement issued today, Father K.Y. Kelly, Vatican Minister of Retarding Progress, said, "Anyone who only pretends to kiss the Holy Father's ring will most assuredly burn in Hell!" However, the World Health Organization is adamant in its warning: Smooch the Pope's ring and you have French-kissed the millions who puckered before you. Get DeadBrain delivered to your Inbox! Click here to sign up at our parent site. Consider the weekly and monthly editions, each of which contain all-new, laugh-out-loud office comedy you won't see on the website!
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