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Bush Hails New Wonder Drug That Cures 296 Diseases
Jun 4 2005 by Rich Bergeron
President George W. Bush is praising a revolutionary new drug designed to treat 296 different diseases and conditions.
"This medication will consolidate a whole buncha other treatments. It gets out all the clutter. It cuts the fat. This is what's good for America," said Bush at a press conference held at pharmaceutical giant Supraconglomomedico's research center in Cambridge, MA on Friday. "Seniors will save money, families will save money, and citizens will save money."
The mega-pharmaceutical corporation has created a mega-solution with its bold new drug, Curealloftinate (suptahealmeum salidita). The 800 milligram pill reportedly inspired improvement in a range of cancers and degenerative diseases during clinical trials.
The patients studied suffered from over 400 different maladies; improvements were observed in 296 areas of human illness. The most significant categories were: lymphoma, leukemia, lung cancer, prostate cancer, breast cancer, diabetes, Lou Gehrig's disease, flu, paralysis, Alzheimer's disease, AIDS (HIV), schizophrenia, autism, ADD, heart disease, osteoporosis, multiple sclerosis, muscular dystrophy, meningitis, hypoglycemia, lupus, anemia, and hemophilia.
"This breakthrough may lead to the end of human suffering as we know it," boasted company Vice President Herbert Pillhawker. "There's nothing better out there."
The drug's side effects include: nausea, insomnia, cold sweats, serious rashes, anal seepage, depression, weight gain, runny nose, bloody nose, chills, sepsis, diarrhea, headaches, stroke, heart attack, tremors, and mild to moderate death.
Other major pharmaceutical companies are also scrambling to create universal solutions. Pfizer is stepping up efforts to develop a similar treatment streamlined to treat 72 different forms of cancer, but scientists have been struggling with the formula. The drug is unpredictable when used alongside chemotherapy. Merck officials said Friday they will also hire a new team of scientists soon to look at developing more combined care alternatives.
"I believe this product has the chance to heal the masses and do the work of God across our great land," said Bush, before discussing the Medicare and Social Security collapse. Bush's new idea is to eliminate both immediately with huge tax cuts for the rich and famous. "Hey, we're gonna lose 'em some time anyway," Bush added.
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