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| News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humor · George W Bush |
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| You are standing next to: Home > News | November 21st |
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Wal-Mart Introduces Discount Funerals for CustomersJun 22 2005 by JL Strickland
According to Wily Ebeneezer, Wal-Mart Director of Roughshod Practices, the mercantile behemoth's Super Center in Rigor Mortis Springs, Arkansas, is now offering discount funerals for thrifty-minded customers on a trial basis. "We look at this way," Ebeneezer explained. "If people will buy the cheapest unsafe tires available to put on their family car, why would they squander the family fortune burying grandma, if they had a choice? It's this cheapskate consumer we're after, and we haven't been disappointed yet." However, the nation's funeral homes are not taking this attack sitting down. Bones Klitchkow, Sergeant at Arms for the Brotherhood of Embalmers, is outraged. "How would you like some minimum-wage doofus embalming your mother?" Klitchkow demanded. "Just because a person is good at ignoring customers in a busy store doesn't mean he can pump chemicals in a corpse. This is an art form. You're either born with it or you can't do it." Wal-Mart's Ebeneezer dismisses this criticism. "We've worked this down to a science," he said. "A stiff, er, dearly departed, comes into our receiving dock behind the store, is hosed down, fumigated, and filled with preservatives on the lube rack, dressed with stain and wrinkle-resistant polyester garments from the Clothing section, beautified and perfumed at the Cosmetic counter, placed in a economical wooden Cambodian coffin, and then sent though the express checkout on a shopping cart and out the door. "Good to go in less than an hour," Evenezeer chuckled. "And all for less than the cost of a deep-fat turkey fryer." Company officials say the funeral cost will be even lower after Wal-Mart customers are offered the opportunity to sign up for their new discount mortuary service, to be called "Sam's Adios Club." And, if requested, Wal-Mart greeters will start performing a short, tasteful eulogy as the box goes out the door. "Where will it end with this bunch?" Klitchkow wonders. "Wal-Mart has taken over everything but proctology exams. "But I'd be real careful about bending over in a Wal-Mart store," he warned. Get DeadBrain delivered to your Inbox! Click here to sign up at our parent site. Consider the weekly and monthly editions, each of which contain all-new, laugh-out-loud office comedy you won't see on the website!
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