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Supreme Court's Ruling Costs Justices Their Homes

Jun 25 2005 by Greg Kuhl

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The homes of all nine U.S. Supreme Court justices are being seized by local governments in the Washington, D.C., area to turn them into fast-food restaurants, bars and strip clubs.

"My God, this is outrageous. We never dreamed it would come to this," said Justice John Paul Stevens, who wrote the controversial majority opinion that allowed governments to seize private property if it was "for the public good."

"It was just legal blah-blah on a piece of paper. How on earth could they want to come and take my house?" Stevens said, adding that he "didn't realize my words had consequences."

A consortium of McDonald's, Hooter's and the Shady Lady Gentlemen's Club acted promptly after the Supreme Court issued its ruling to seize the justices' homes.

"Is this a great country, or what?" McDonald's spokesman Erica Winters said. "The court pretty much shreds the Fifth Amendment, and they actually have to pay for it personally.

"We're hoping one of them has a winding staircase so we can install a McDonald's Playland without much problem," Winters added.

Stevens hired armed security guards to protect him after the four justices who dissented on his opinion were heard banging on his chamber doors and screaming at him.

"We're definitely not happy with that little weasel," said an angry Justice Clarence Thomas. "Is he out of his ever-loving mind? I must admit, I wouldn't be too unhappy if they turn my place into a Hooter's. But they probably won't let me live there."

Chief Justice William Rehnquist said he was outraged at Stevens, adding, "What was that knucklehead thinking? I'm an old man in ill health and don't know how much longer I'll last. And now they're taking my home and replacing it with a strip club?"

Justice Antonin Scalia said he "figures maybe we should appeal. There's got to be some higher court, isn't there? No, wait, we're it. Is there any part of the Bill of Rights still intact?"

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