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American Psychiatrists Endorse Cruise Suicide
In an unusual move, the American Psychiatric Association is publicly advocating that apparently mentally ill celebrity and Katie Holmes enthusiast Tom Cruise commit suicide. The move comes after Cruise publicly and repeatedly attacked psychiatry as a "pseudoscience" and a fraud.
"We believe Mr. Cruise should seriously consider suicide a viable alternative to a life of bizarre beliefs in pseudo-religions and preying on mentally-impaired young women," the APA said in a statement on its website. The APA also said any comedic value that could be gained from Mr. Cruise's exploits has long since "jumped the shark."
The shock suicide endorsement marks a rare break for an organization that takes pride in its ability to wrap itself in silence. As DeadBrain therapist and former APA member Gunther Fritzwald explains, "There's been unofficial support of suicides in the past, including a recent effort that included sending informative literature to Michael Jackson, but the APA really likes to play things close to their vests."
According to Fritzwater, much of the APA's secrecy stems from its desire to avoid scrutiny. "Let's face it, these guys aren't practicing hard-core, fact-based science the way Tom Cruise and the other Scientologists are. They don't want people taking too close a look at their practices or people might just start wondering why they invest so heavily in sugar."
Some have suggested the APA's need to cover up its reliance on placeboes may be the real reason for their endorsement of a Cruise suicide, a notion that APA President Ronald F. Levant flatly denies. "We've got nothing to hide and we certainly aren't sore at Cruise for hurling so many mean-spirited and ludicrous accusations at us."
Levant claims that APA members firmly believe "Tom Cruise's existence is painful, not only to himself but to everyone who has to deal with him. We like laughing at mentally ill people who refuse therapy as much as the next guy, but this time it's gone too far."
Levant says he also believes that the death of Cruise may offer fiancée Holmes "a fighting chance at sanity, assuming someone stages a really vigorous intervention."
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