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Bush, Lawmakers Endorse All-American Energy Bill
Sep 1 2005 by Tracy D. Farr
Residents of Barrow, Alaska, the coldest city in the United States, are tickled pink at the new energy bill signed by President Bush. The new legislation will not only keep Americans swimming in oil, but will also bring about a quicker rise in the earth's temperature.
"Residents in the lower 48 may be worried about global warming, but we're not," said Barrow resident Fred Fanberg. "It's cold up here, and anything the Congress can do to turn up the heat is fine by me."
The aim of the Congressional conference committee, which sent the bill for Bush's signature, was to boost the supply of natural gas, oil and electricity supplies. They rejected a proposal to require power plants to generate more electricity from wind and solar power, and also turned down a plan to reduce U.S. oil consumption by one million barrels a day.
"We need that oil. We're addicted to oil," said Democratic Sen. Byron Dorgan (D) of North Dakota, another very cold state. "We need our daily hit of oil. We need to snort it, smoke it, inject it, freebase it, and pour it down our throats. We need it any way we can get it. Wind power and solar energy may help the environment, but it just isn't the same - in fact, it's downright un-American."
Another proposal that was rejected was to require automakers to boost vehicle fuel standards and force Americans to carpool.
"Americans won't stand for a bill that forces them to carpool," Dorgan said. "We want to drive our cars, our SUVs, and our mini vans - by ourselves. If they only get five miles per gallon, so what!
"I'm proud of the work these lawmakers are doing," Dorgan continued. "They stood up to show the world what this country is all about. They proved that America is one nation, under cars, with liberty to make lots of oil to make them go."
In a completely unrelated story, gasoline reached $3 dollars a gallon for the first time in living memory this week, and no one complained.
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