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Supreme Court News: Bush Reluctantly Taps Kanye West to Replace Rehnquist
Sep 4 2005 by Phinneas Zoquo
It took the assurances of his most trusted Cabinet-level advisors, but President Bush finally agreed that Judge Reinhold would not be the most logical nominee to fill the Supreme Court void left by recently-deceased Chief Justice William Rehnquist.
Stunned by the revelation that Reinhold was not in fact a "judge" in the legal sense of the word, Bush threw his hands in the air and cried, "I give up. Just find me someone with street cred who isn't afraid to speak his mind without regard to the appropriateness. Oh, and preferably anybody that can wipe that stupid smirk off of Mike Myers's face."
As Bush finished that last verbal flurry, the ears of his associates all seemed to pop up in unison. It was impossible to discern from whose mouth the words were uttered first, but the name "Kanye West" rang through the room like church bells on Easter morning.
"What better way to show the colored folk that this is an inclusive administration than to name rapper Kanye West to the country's highest court," proclaimed White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan in a Sunday morning press conference. "The president is hyped to show the country that Mr. West was wrong about the president's apathy for his race. That's all the questions I have time for. Peeeaaace!"
Bush remained somewhat skeptical, but admitted, "The Black Man has added colorful words to our national….book of words." DeadBrain lip-readers confirmed that an aide whispered the word "dictionary" in Bush's ear at that point. Karl Rove promptly clotheslined the aide, while an undistracted Bush continued, "Now, maybe they'll stop using those words when they talk about me. It's hurtful."
A befuddled Kanye West released a statement saying he was "surprised by that chicken [expletive deleted] Bush, but the nomination is just another example of how I'm the new Lyrical Miracle. I'm coming, Clarence!"
When asked if he understood the supposed reference to himself above, Justice Clarence Thomas expressed gratitude. "Finally, another African-American on the bench. Now we can bring complete credibility to dissenting opinions expressed in the beautiful language of Ebonics."
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