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The Health Report: Mad Cow Disease Discovered to Be a Vegan Conspiracy
DHHS Secretary Mike Leavitt issued a statement March 15th dispelling the rampant fear spreading the nation concerning Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy, otherwise known as mad cow disease.
A beleaguered Leavitt faced angry reporters demanding to know why, despite the confirmation of a third case of mad cow in the United States, the government intends to scale back on testing for the brain wasting disorder that has claimed the lives of over one hundred fifty people in Europe.
"There is no such disease as mad cow," Leavitt shouted over the reporters. "I repeat, there is no disease."
"What this is," he went on to explain, "is radical leftist action by the animal rights group PETA, using terrorist tactics to stop people from eating beef. Ecstatic after seeing poultry sales drastically plummet from North Korea's 'bird flu' joke, PETA's Director Ingrid Newkirk, along with celebrity vegans Pamela Anderson, Michael Bolton, Rosanna Arquette, Ed Begley Jr., Victoria 'Posh Spice' Beckham and Brad Pitt, hatched the plot to break into an Alabama ranch, corner a cow and pour two-fifths of Jack Daniels down its throat, leaving it to stagger around drunkenly, exhibiting all the supposed signs of this mythical illness.
"Victoria Beckham pulled this stunt in England, where the 'mad cow' story originated in 1986. She was only twelve years old at the time, and clearly already headed for trouble.
"But," he sighed, "I digress. The point is the government is fully aware that PETA is responsible for this mad cow nonsense, and therefore limits animal safety testing simply because there is no disease to test for. All safety tests run on cattle are for REAL diseases, of which there are none. Beef is 100% safe, and if the antics of PETA make you, the American public, afraid to eat meat, then shame on you! You are doing exactly what the tree-hugging lefty terrorists want you to do - eat in an environment of fear, not freedom.
"Vegans are both cruel and unpatriotic, and nothing proves it more than getting a cow hammered on 80-proof whiskey, then claiming it has a disease."
Something strange is going on inside the White House - does the Weapons of Mass Euphoria Team have the cure, or are they the culprits? Check out the reports from deep inside the WME.
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