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| You are drifting somewhere near: Home > News | September 8th |
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 US Deploys Suicide BombersApr 18 2006 by Grushenka
"We can't keep fighting the last war," said General Fred Butler. "You don't win a modern war with night-vision, Kevlar, and air power. You win it with a backpack full of fertilizer and nails." No one will say what prompted the strategy shift, but some credit an unnamed Army corporal who drove his Humvee into a mosque during evening prayers. The crash ignited an explosives cache inside and killed 312, including the driver. Army records claim the intoxicated GI was misled by the building's gold-leaf arches. His last radio transmission was, "I'll have a number nine with a strawberry shake." No one disputes the effectiveness of the action, however. "The town didn't know what to make of it," said Colonel Morgan Fanberg. "If we'd bombed it from the air, they'd have sworn vengeance and paraded corpses on Al-Jazeera. But when somebody drives in and blows himself to kingdom come, well…people respect that. The area's been quiet ever since." Proponents of the new strategy predicted swift results. "Those Iraqis have been arguing about how to form a government for years now," said political analyst Al Morgan. "Suppose Condi Rice shows up at their next parliamentary session sportin' a suicide belt! That'll get their attention." Leading Democrats expressed concern about the secret procurement of the weapons. "Where is our army buying car bombs?" asked congresswoman Rosa Colonna. "Raytheon and Lockheed haven't even explored this kind of technology. It's coming from somewhere, and I'd like to know what we're giving in exchange." "This project costs the taxpayer nothing," Said General Butler. "We're selling outdated equipment - stealth bombers, M-1 tanks, most of the Apaches - to friendly developing nations. The economics of conversion to suicide hardware are actually quite favorable." Colonna says the military is ignoring related costs. "Specialized religious indoctrination, hallucinogenic drugs, vehicular destruction…and these costs can't be amortized over several missions. Soldiers aren't reusable." Insiders claim a robotic alternative, the Unmanned Suicide Bomber, is already in development. The Army will not comment. Get DeadBrain delivered to your Inbox! Click here to sign up. Consider the weekly and monthly editions, each of which contain all-new, laugh-out-loud office comedy you won't see on the website! Related Articles Peace Mom Cindy Sheehan Launches Advice Column Apr 14 2006
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