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Be Still My Heart: Cheney Donates to Charity

May 10 2006 by Greg Kuhl

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Vice President Dick Cheney shocked the United States, and the world, when his 2005 tax returns revealed that he'd donated $6.8 million to charity.

Hospital emergency rooms in California were swamped with patients who reported chest pains after hearing the news. Pigs flew in Nebraska. Chaos reigned in his home state of Wyoming.

"I know, it's really surprising," Cheney said in a telephone interview from his secret bunker outside Washington, D.C. "I'd venture to guess that most of America doesn't think that I'd donate $6, much less $6.8 million.

"Sure, there will be naysayers who claim that I did it to get the $1.9 million tax refund check, or that I actually didn't donate the money at all, that it was just a ruse and I'm actually a tax cheat.

"Or that I did it to get some positive publicity after the boo-fest when I tried to throw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals home opener," Cheney said. "I'll admit, I only have a fastball that any 85-year-old grandmother would be proud of.

"But to say I had ulterior motives, it's balderdash," Cheney said, his anger rising. "I do have a heart, believe it or not. I just don't show it that often. All right, I never show it."

However, Cheney admitted that he did want to play a bit of "can you top this, no you can't" with President Bush, whose $700,000-plus income was dwarfed by Cheney's almost $9 million.

"OK, I did sort of want to show who was the big player in the U.S. government, and it's not him. Where I come from, the bottom line says who the Big Guy is. And in the White House, that's me."

But Cheney said America shouldn't get used to his largesse; it's probably just a one-time thing.

"I wanted to do some good, spread around some joy," Cheney said. "What better way to do it than to donate $6.8 million to the Halliburton Destitute Orphans Fund, based in the Cayman Islands?

"There's not a more deserving charity," Cheney said. "Besides myself, of course."

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