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| You are lounging next to: Home > News | July 24th |
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Human Unemployment Set to Soar, as Chimps Join the WorkforceJun 13 2006 by Romi Moondi
It was a dewy morning in May, depending on where you're from. On that very morning, our pimply-faced paperboy dropped off a revelation, one that would shame mankind. If you've blocked it out of your memory, here it comes again: "Just a few million years ago, our human ancestors were screwing monkeys!" (Take a moment to collect yourself, and erase any disturbing imagery…) This appalling hookup had often been suspected, but was eventually dismissed as tasteless cave-myth. Unfortunately, suspicion has now become fact. That's right, thanks to those big-brained researchers at MIT, we now know that humans and chimps were torrid lovers. And the worst part: this wasn't just a primitive attraction. On the contrary, foreheads were caressed, and there was fireside cuddling aplenty. As time went on though, humans got smarter, chimps got hairier, and the flame of passion died out. Today, chimps live in cages, while humans stroll freely in their diamond shoes, feasting on low-priced bananas in an obvious haphazard manner. The human-chimp connection has passed, and so there's little concern for "today's chimp," when it comes to quality-of-life. Despite the apathetic majority, a few Chimp Activists have been toiling away for weeks, lobbying for better Chimp Rights. The focus of their argument: Equal Employment Opportunity. Activists state the following: "If we can make love to them, we can certainly work with them." "Both species have moved on," they continue, " so there's no need to be awkward around the office." Putting this theory to the test, all chimps will be eligible to join the workforce on September 1st, 2006. There won't be any special treatment, that we can be assured. Nevertheless, if a chimp should happen to write a kick-ass cover letter, you might just get passed over for a furry Systems Analyst named Koko. This new legislation will certainly leave humans in an uproar, but it was always inevitable. Truth is, can ANYONE get away with tossing former lovers in a cage, and making them dance for bananas? Get DeadBrain delivered to your Inbox! Click here to sign up. Consider the weekly and monthly editions, each of which contain all-new, laugh-out-loud office comedy you won't see on the website!
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