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| You are misplaced along with: Home > Politics | October 11th |
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 States Display Petty Jealousy Over Iowa, New Hampshire VotingJan 17 2004 by Elliott McMillan
48 of the 50 United States are reportedly upset this week. "This happens every four years," complained Minnesota. "Every four years, Iowa and New Hampshire start acting all uppity," the northern state said. The jealous States are peeved that Democrats are taking extra care to court voters this month for the Iowa Caucus and New Hampshire Primary. Michigan imitated Iowa in a high falsetto, prancing around. "Ooohh, look at me! I have my primary on the 19th. I'm big, big superstar!" "No, no, not primary, it's caucus," added a laughing Colorado. "Yeah, who really gives a shit about Iowa, anyway? I mean, Iowa!" said New York. "I'm the one that really matters." The other States groaned at New York's arrogance, with Arkansas mumbling incoherently before shooting twice into the air. Mississippi, Georgia and South Carolina are still considering reviving the Confederacy. "We ain't make up our minds yet," said Mississippi. "We might not even have no Yankee primary election," added Georgia. "To be honest," whispered Ohio, "California is the one with the most electoral votes." Upon hearing its name, California looked up from the day's edition of Variety and said, "Huh?" After determining it was of no importance, California made a cell phone call to its agent. Pennsylvania took a more caring approach to the situation. "I tried to warn them that they'll just get their hearts broken again," said the Keystone State. "I mean, they just recently got over the 2000 election, when they had Democrats and Republicans courting them. And after the primaries, what happened - they never called again, that's what." "Jeez, I remember that," said Washington. "New Hampshire played that damn Dido song for months after." "Don't even mention 2000," said a weary Florida. "Jay Leno is still making cracks about that." North Dakota and Montana snarled at the other States. "Iowa's all cocky, but we're the ones keeping Canada off their ass," said North Dakota. "Yeah," shouted Maine, in agreement. The other States simply stared at Maine blankly. Alaska and Hawaii could not be reached for comment. Related Articles Howard Dean Emerges Two Inches Shorter After Debate Jan 6 2004 "Sissy Religious Left" Forms Clergy Leadership Network Nov 25 2003 Dean Guarantees Loss of South by Promising "Pro-Gay, Vermont-Style" Reforms Nov 22 2003 Democrats Deny the War Ever Happened; Threaten to Remove Saddam from Power - Part 2 Nov 15 2003 Democrats Deny the War Ever Happened; Threaten to Remove Saddam from Power Nov 14 2003 Olsen Twins to Pay for Iraq Reconstruction, National Debt Oct 3 2003
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