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| You are crouching next to: Home > Politics | October 10th |
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 Mission Control's Initial Report on the Search for Intelligent Life at the White House - "Nope!"Jan 20 2004 by Jim Bauman
"The Mendacity Explorer Rover Reality has landed…on the White House lawn!" Those words, from mission flight director Skip Johannsen, stunned the world.Skip said this about the mission: "Many people have debated the possibility that intelligent life exists in the White House. To find out, the unmanned Reality Rover was born, funded by the Pew Research Center and the Democratic National Committee. The Rover has three instruments on board - an obfuscation meter, a common sense scanner, and a confusion detector. The Rover is always in stealth mode, disguised as a tennis ball. We had a successful insertion when Democratic National Committee (DNC) Chairman Terry McAuliffe lobbed the Rover over the White House fence, and it landed under some bushes (the plant kind). "At first, Mission Control was afraid that the hard fall had damaged the on-board instruments, because we had a high reading on the common sense scanner. The mystery was solved when we discovered that Barney, Bush's dog, had retrieved the Rover. After that, Barney schlepped the Rover throughout the White House into the Oval Office and into cabinet meetings. "One significant finding we noted was that when the Rover was in close proximity to President Bush, the confusion detector spiked. Analysts at the Pew Research Center think the high reading may help explain why, after the invasion of Afghanistan, the President attacked the Ba'ath Party instead of doggedly pursuing Al Qaeda. "Yesterday, the Rover was lying under the President's desk when Karl Rove, Bush's chief strategist, suddenly wandered into the room. In response, the obfuscation meter went wild, burned-out, and stopped transmitting. "After analyzing the Rover data, the Pew Research Center has confirmed their hypothesis that unless a person is wealthy or a conservative Republican, the atmosphere in the White House is hostile. An altered sense of reality pervades the building. New data may be forthcoming in one month after the launch of the Reality Rover's twin, Compassion. The Compassion Rover may be able to tell us whether the White House cares about poor people, the disabled, job growth, the environment, and the rest of the world." Related Articles States Display Petty Jealousy Over Iowa, New Hampshire Voting Jan 17 2004 Howard Dean Emerges Two Inches Shorter After Debate Jan 6 2004 "Sissy Religious Left" Forms Clergy Leadership Network Nov 25 2003 Dean Guarantees Loss of South by Promising "Pro-Gay, Vermont-Style" Reforms Nov 22 2003 Democrats Deny the War Ever Happened; Threaten to Remove Saddam from Power - Part 2 Nov 15 2003 Democrats Deny the War Ever Happened; Threaten to Remove Saddam from Power Nov 14 2003
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