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| News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humor · Bill Clinton |
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| You have been disturbed by: Home > Politics | October 10th |
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 "Stoned Guy" Reports: State of the Union Address Funnier Than ExpectedJan 21 2004 by Stoned Guy
This is, like, my first time reporting to a big-time news outlet and stuff, so hey - hope you're cool, man. Hope you're cool.So last night or whenever - I can't always keep track of the days, but it doesn't really matter, right? I mean, what is time anyway but an illusion to make us humans feel grounded in our own little lives and distracted from the conspiracy behind Jerry Garcia's totally lame disappearance from the music scene? - I got home from Denny's, pretty toked to watch Jack Bauer kick Mexican Mafia ASS on 24. But DUDE - that chimp-looking freak was on...ALL THE CHANNELS! I was like, "WTF, man?! WTF?!!" I was just about to remote it to my Fight Club DVD when I accidentally tuned into what Monkey Boy was saying on the tube. I couldn't stop staring at him. C'mon - no WAY he's really president of the free world, dude. He totally looks like a load-chuckin' monkey. I mean - un-freakin'-canny! From that point on I was hooked. I couldn't believe how much fun it was to watch all those old people! Who knew? Then I remembered I had a second cousin who ran a website that likes to report on politics and s***. I was like - hells yeah! I could totally help out! So I snatched my Domino's Pizza pen - ha-huh...I wrote "snatched" - and now I offer my observations exclusively to you: 1) Dude - seriously - Prez Man really looks like a chimp! No joke. 2) Whoa - freakin' Ashcroft. That guy looks seedier than the floor of an apple-coring factory! I'm talkin' SEEEEEDEEEE! 3) No way Powell's a black dude. No way. 4) All the military jarheads didn't move a muscle while Chimpy was talking about abstinence. You could totally tell they hate the idea. Right on, bros! Way to look out for your troops! 5) Do you have to have a bad toupee to get into the same room as Chimpy? I had some more stuff, but I think I passed out or something. Gotta go and get this Domino's pen removed from my tongue hole. Don't ask. Related Articles DeadBrain's Top Ten Possible Satire Headlines Regarding the State of the Union Address Jan 21 2004 Mission Control's Initial Report on the Search for Intelligent Life at the White House - "Nope!" Jan 20 2004 States Display Petty Jealousy Over Iowa, New Hampshire Voting Jan 17 2004 Howard Dean Emerges Two Inches Shorter After Debate Jan 6 2004 "Sissy Religious Left" Forms Clergy Leadership Network Nov 25 2003 Dean Guarantees Loss of South by Promising "Pro-Gay, Vermont-Style" Reforms Nov 22 2003
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