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| You have been drawn towards: Home > Politics | March 12th |
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 Bush Issues Preemptive Presidential Pardon for His Lifetime of CrimesFeb 9 2004 by Chuck Terzella
President Bush yesterday became the first President in US history to issue himself a blanket pardon for any illegal acts he has already committed or will commit as President of the United States, Governor of Texas, owner of the Texas Rangers baseball team, and founder of Arbusto Energy, the latter of which allegedly received funding from the bin Laden family."The pardon will cover him till the day he dies," said White House source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, who wished to remain unnamed. "Actually, it covers him for any crimes he might commit for fifty years after he dies. We tried to tell him that wasn't necessary, but he just got so excited he couldn't stop, the little dear." In addition, the President also issued a blanket pardon for Vice President Dick Cheney, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice and White House Chief of Staff Karl Rove. Surprisingly, Secretary of State Colin Powell was not included in the sweep. "Condi Rice never liked Powell," explained Waterhouse, continuing to speak on the condition of anonymity. "She thinks he's 'a bit too uppity.' Besides, everybody thought it would be funny to see the look on his face when he found out he was left twisting in the wind. I gotta admit, it was pretty comical. He just sort of stared at us for a minute, his jaw clenching and unclenching, then ran out of the room sobbing." A President pardoning himself is unprecedented, to say the least. Former President Bill Clinton was quoted as saying, "You can do that? Man, I had no idea. Things would have sure been different if I'd only known." Richard M. Nixon, speaking from the grave, issued a statement denouncing the novel idea. "If I had to pay, then everyone has to pay." Pundits are divided on how this will affect the remainder of the President's first term. This being an election year, many foresee vote fraud, lies, cover-ups and a Supreme Court invalidation of a majority vote by the American public - in other words, a repeat of the last election. Related Articles "Stoned Guy" Reports: State of the Union Address Funnier Than Expected Jan 21 2004 DeadBrain's Top Ten Possible Satire Headlines Regarding the State of the Union Address Jan 21 2004 Mission Control's Initial Report on the Search for Intelligent Life at the White House - "Nope!" Jan 20 2004 States Display Petty Jealousy Over Iowa, New Hampshire Voting Jan 17 2004 Howard Dean Emerges Two Inches Shorter After Debate Jan 6 2004 "Sissy Religious Left" Forms Clergy Leadership Network Nov 25 2003
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