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| You are passing rapidly through: Home > Politics | September 8th |
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 Exclusive: Dean to Drop Out, Accept Contract as "Slim Jim" SpokesmanFeb 18 2004 by Allen Voivod
After a decisive Wisconsin loss that even weather forecasters were able to predict, the Dean camp is deep in talks tonight, putting the final touches on a drop-out speech that will also serve as a launching platform for his new career."They're building the set outside the Governor's Mansion tonight," campaign chairman Steve Grossman confirmed. "The giant 'Slim Jim' logo on a yellow banner eight feet tall and eight feet wide. He's gonna bust through wearing the tights and the Slim Jim headgear and yell, 'Eat me!' Pretty fitting end to his campaign, we think." Slim Jim brand manager Butler Frederickson confirmed that they've terminated their contract with Randy 'Macho Man' Savage, but never notified him about it. "Act first, apologize later," Frederickson said. "That's what Justin Timberlake taught us, right?" Savage, staying in Dill's Lisp, Arkansas on the 18th leg of his cross-country backyard wrestling tour, said via telephone, "Wait 'till I get him in the squared circle. I'll put him and that hippie wife of his in a figure four headlock, oh yeah - OWWWW! Stubbed my little macho toe on the damn motel bed. Night clerk's gonna wish he stayed in his crib tonight, oh yeah!" Dean's wife Judy, sick of and sickened by the brief glare of political publicity, consented to a final interview from behind a metal wall, with a three-inch slot through which she had notes passed by an aide in response to DeadBrain's questions. "They contacted us after the Iowa speech, yes. And we responded after losing in New Hampshire. I'm sorry, this is too much for me." Our reporter asked a total of twelve more questions through the metal slot, but received no other response. He then made the mistake of sticking his tongue through the metal slot in frustration, and had the slot slammed closed on him, requiring eight stitches and a pint of blood to repair the damage done. Related Articles Uncovered: A Letter Home from Bush's School Principal Feb 15 2004 Bush Issues Preemptive Presidential Pardon for His Lifetime of Crimes Feb 9 2004 "Stoned Guy" Reports: State of the Union Address Funnier Than Expected Jan 21 2004 DeadBrain's Top Ten Possible Satire Headlines Regarding the State of the Union Address Jan 21 2004 Mission Control's Initial Report on the Search for Intelligent Life at the White House - "Nope!" Jan 20 2004 States Display Petty Jealousy Over Iowa, New Hampshire Voting Jan 17 2004
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