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| News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humor · Bill Clinton |
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| You have been disturbed by: Home > Politics | November 21st |
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 Bush Proposes Constitutional Amendments on Agriculture, SlaveryMar 2 2004 by Joey Sarajevo
The Republican Party's election strategy was plunged into chaos last night as President George W. Bush - eager to capitalize on the political storm caused by his plans to make gay marriages unconstitutional and keen to prove himself a sharp political operator - hastily convened a press conference without the knowledge of senior advisors.Referring to the respected study "A Child's Pop-Up History of America," President Bush announced that he intended to make it unconstitutional for anyone to use farming methods invented after 1776. To further support his argument, he quoted Charlton Heston's defense of the Second Amendment: "If it was good enough for the wise old dead white guys who invented this country, then it's good enough for me." To ensure the success of this policy, the President had also decided to formalize widespread welfare-to-work programs by repealing the Emancipation Proclamation and legitimizing the ownership of black slaves. Mr. Bush was horrified that certain 'activist presidents' such as Abraham Lincoln had been able to challenge the rightness of such a historic and enduring concept - "Amendments should reflect the spirit of the American Constitution," he announced, "and the original draft made it quite clear that a Negro is only three-fifths of a human being." The President was then bundled from the stage by two secret Service Agents under the direction of White House PR men. Shortly afterwards, an official spokesman appeared in order to deny that Mr. Bush had ever appeared before the assembled press: "What conference? There was no conference. I don't even know what you're all doing here. Go home." Word of the events began to leak out later in the day, leaving Republican power-brokers fuming. "He's been told that trying to think for himself is dangerous," said one. "We had the whole thing sewn up nicely there - no questions about jobs, the war, Enron, nothing. We've got an election in the world's largest democracy riding on ancient superstition and empty prejudice, and you can always count on the American people not to notice how stupid that is - unless someone makes it painfully obvious." Related Articles Exclusive: Schwarzenegger Supports Alien Presidential Campaigns Feb 27 2004 Exclusive: Dean to Drop Out, Accept Contract as "Slim Jim" Spokesman Feb 18 2004 Uncovered: A Letter Home from Bush's School Principal Feb 15 2004 Bush Issues Preemptive Presidential Pardon for His Lifetime of Crimes Feb 9 2004 "Stoned Guy" Reports: State of the Union Address Funnier Than Expected Jan 21 2004 DeadBrain's Top Ten Possible Satire Headlines Regarding the State of the Union Address Jan 21 2004
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