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| You are humming to the tune of: Home > Politics | October 11th |
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 Rove Plays NRA, Heston for Suckers with Fake Kerry PlanMay 25 2004 by Jim Bauman
"Dirty tricks season is here!" proclaimed DeadBrain's political expert, Manfred Butlet. "Karl Rove, Bush's chief strategist and cloaked Dark Lord, has fired the opening round. He stole official John Kerry stationery and typed on it a plan by Kerry that if he becomes President, he will declare the NRA (the National Rifle Association, not the National Restaurant Association) a cult. Ever since the letter unsurprisingly fell into NRA hands, the organization has been up in arms. They're gunning for him."This latest nefarious deed by Rove is a hackneyed variation on his 1970 one, wherein he snuck in and lifted letterheads from Illinois Democratic Senator Alan Dixon's campaign office. Rove created 1,000 party invitations announcing 'free beer, free food, girls, and a good time for nothing' and sent them to homeless shelters." The counterfeit Kerry letter ignited a firestorm at the recent NRA annual convention in Full-Metal-Jacket, Montana. Retired NRA President Charlton Heston gave the keynote address and said, "I'm holding in my hands a letter that says that you and me and everyone here in this great hall is no better than those Branch Davidians, Scientologists, and antenna-eared pilgrims who trek to Roswell, New Mexico. "Well, I'm here to tell America that we're not a bunch of nut cases. We have the right to bear arms in the unlikely chance that a drooling, demented rapist or pothead climbs the stairs to our bedrooms and must be blown back down into the devil's waiting arms." Holding a 1930s Tommy gun over his head, Heston exclaimed, 'They'll never take this away from me. They won't pry this from my selfish, arrogant, cold, dead hands!" The faithful stood up, clapped, and cheered. Unexpectedly, Heston's grip on the gun slipped, and his finger pressed the trigger. Bullets flew everywhere, stage lights exploded, the audience dived to the floor and drew their concealed weapons. After exhausting his ammo, in a smoky haze, a dazed and disheveled Heston called out, "Sons and daughters of Israel! Follow me and I will deliver you from Pharaoh's bondage..." Related Articles Kerry Explains: "I'm Not Inconsistent, Just Nuanced" Apr 26 2004
Escaped Robot Wreaks Havoc on Bush Campaign Trail
Apr 8 2004
Nancy to Laura: "Get a Ouija Board, Tarot Cards and a Good Astrologer"
Apr 5 2004
Liberal Special Interest Group Defines List of Appropriate GOP Commercial Topics
Mar 16 2004
Bush, Kerry Threaten Each Other with Secret Society Initiation Videotapes
Mar 11 2004
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