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DeadBrain Time Machine Reveals Surprise Winner of Democratic Nomination
DeadBrain's editorial staff decided to use our powerful new news gathering device, the DeadBrain Time Machine, to go forward in time to see who will be the Democratic nominee in the Presidential election of 2004. The winner is a shocker.
Al Sharpton has won the Democratic nomination. In a shocking victory, he toppled front-runner John Kerry, winning by a margin of 94%.
Sharpton began pulling away in early July, when he announced that the first order of business in his Administration will be to send all blacks back to Africa. "Some time before March of 2005, I will load ships, airplanes and all manner of floating barges and submarines with blacks from around the country. They will then be shipped back to Africa, where they belong," said a triumphant Sharpton.
This promise sent voters to the polls in droves. Republican and Alabama resident Arlo J. Fogg said that he hadn't voted in years, but "this time, I had to! If it's gonna git nigras off the streets, I'm all for it!" In Alabama, Arkansas, and Georgia, Sharpton received 99% of the vote.
In a televised debate, Kerry challenged the proposal as "lunacy," and 2000 Presidential candidate Al Gore tried to play the nice-guy role, saying that any problems blacks and whites have had living together in the past are behind us now. "We shall overcome," said the smiling former Presidential hopeful.
Sharpton remained resolute, however, making it clear that it is economically feasible to send blacks back to Africa. "Think of the empty prisons, the cleared welfare rolls, and the public schools free of drugs, violence, and students. The one-time tax cost will be made up in one year," said Sharpton, affectionately referred to as Reverend Al by his new legion of supporters.
President Bush has told insiders that he plans on voting for Sharpton in the General Election in November. "It'll be worth going out after one term if he can pull that off," grinned the President.
Reached at his home in Burlington, Vermont, former candidate Howard Dean said, "I wish I had thought of that."
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