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| You are staring at: Home > Politics | January 9th |
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 Cheney Reveals He's Edwards' Father On OprahJul 12 2004 by John Hetherington
Winfrey brought out the teddy bear in Cheney, who discussed his disdain for the poor, unemployed, homosexuals, and nutritionists who have endeavored to convince him that a diet rich in fat is not advisable for a man with a heart condition. Cheney's easy-going manner changed when Winfrey brought up the vice presidential candidate on the Democratic ticket. "If John Edwards screws with me I'll eat his children," Cheney said, with the look of a man imagining tender young flesh fried in butter dancing through his head. Cheney explained to an incredulous Winfrey that at times when the United States is under siege there is "no such thing as going too far," but he assured the talk show host and her audience that it would not be necessary for the Edwards children to be sacrificed. "This may come as a surprise, but I am John Edwards' father." Telling the shocked audience to quit gasping, the Vice President proceeded to make Edwards an offer: "You can join me now, and together we will rule the nation and a large chunk of the Middle East. I'll get rid of Bush - everyone knows he's superfluous - and together we will rule the universe." When reached for comment, Edwards conceded that he had been brought up by an aunt and uncle in an effort to protect him from "the great evil of my father. I never knew that that evil was Dick Cheney." Edwards assured voters that he would not be joining Cheney, but would be taking extra steps to promote cardiac health. "I had not realized that my genetic make up was such a cardiac minefield," the Vice Presidential candidate quipped. The Bush/Cheney reelection team quickly set to work preparing a new advertisement attacking Edwards's anti-family stance and describing his health as a "ticking time bomb." Related Articles F-Bomb Triggers Halliburton Stock Dumping on Bush Loss Fears Jul 11 2004
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