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| You don't remotely resemble: Home > Politics | January 9th |
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 GOP Leaders Scramble to Replace DitkaJul 19 2004 by Greg Kuhl
"We could handle the 'happy penis' ads, but him being a Democrat without telling us was just too much," said Republican spokesman Bill O'Reilly, who claims to be no relation to the right-leaning Fox News personality of the same name. "We thought Ditka projected the tough, no-nonsense demeanor that we crave, sort of like a mini-Cheney or mini-Rumsfeld - even though he's much larger than they are," O'Reilly said. "Now we're back to square one." Republican sources claim there's a short list to take the mantle from Ditka, even if they don't live in Illinois. "We'll push someone else aside if the candidate is good enough. The bottom line is winning," one source said. Here's a look at the latest GOP Senate candidates: William 'The Refrigerator' Perry: The hugely popular lineman who played for Ditka on the '85 Bears, and even scored a Super Bowl touchdown, "isn't the brightest streetlight in the neighborhood," one Republican said. "But he appealed to the masses and we think he'd make a good candidate. It's not as though he, or anyone else, would have to think for themselves. They just have to do what the Republican leadership tells them, just like on a football team." Walter Payton: The incredibly talented running back, perhaps the greatest in NFL history, has one major drawback - he's been dead for five years. "But Attorney General John Ashcroft once lost a Senate race to a dead guy in Missouri, then became the nation's chief law enforcement officer. Who's to say 'Sweetness,' immensely popular with fans, couldn't win as a dead guy? We think he can." Robert Dole: The former Senator and presidential candidate, and Ditka's fellow erectile dysfunction spokesman, might be willing to run for the Senate again. "Once you've tasted power, it's hard to give it up," the source said. "Plus there are only so many cheesy TV commercials you can make." Related Articles Cheney Reveals He's Edwards' Father On Oprah Jul 12 2004
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