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| You are happy to see: Home > Politics | January 9th |
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 Illinois Republicans Resurrect Abraham Lincoln for Senate RunAug 2 2004 by John Hetherington
Desperate to find a senatorial candidate, Illinois Republicans are taking drastic action by resurrecting former President Abraham Lincoln.Party leaders made the decision following former Chicago Bears coach Mike Ditka's decision to put his own self-interests ahead of those of his party in the wake of candidate Jack Ryan's sex-club scandal. "We needed someone who wouldn't let us down," says Judy Baar Topinka, chair of the Illinois Republican Party, "and Lincoln just seemed to fit the bill." Topinka points to the sixteenth president's disinterest in self-promotion and swinging sexcapades. "I just can't see him passing up the nomination in favor of a gig at Fox - and how much energy can a man who's been dead for almost 150 years have?" While resurrection is relatively uncommon, Republicans believe they have the ability to pull it off, noting that they have the world's best scientists at their disposal and have pulled off successful resurrections, including Vice President Dick Cheney's. Dr. Sven Vigor, a Scandinavian death-to-life specialist, explains, "I've watched all Universal's old Frankenstein movies. We are ready for anything." Critics of the plan are questioning its practicality, noting that Lincoln will not understand modern issues or the average American. "So what?" asks Topinka, "Who today really understands the 'average American'? I mean, what is that, some guy who carries a lunchbox to work everyday? Give me a break - this guy is on our currency!" Still others find it curious that the party opposed to stem cell research would play God by reviving the dead. Topinka says there's no contradiction. "We're talking about the good of the party, not some Hollywood liberal like Christopher Reeve or a few diabetic children. We have priorities." Others are concerned with more substantive matters. Can Abraham Lincoln, never thought to be one of our most attractive presidents, survive in an image-conscious, media-driven campaign, particularly after the damaging effects of being dead for so long? Republicans say they plan to launch a campaign tie-in series, "Extreme Resurrected Presidential Makeover," which will allow viewers to watch Lincoln's transformation from awkward, decayed corpse to energetic Senate candidate. Related Articles Daily Coverage of Jon Stewart and The Daily Show's Democratic Convention Coverage: Friday, July 30th, 2004 Jul 31 2004
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