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| You just fell over: Home > Politics | January 9th |
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 Sunday Mystery: Three Davenport, Iowa Robberies Solved!Aug 8 2004 by Jim Bauman
I was watching Willard Scott, the Today show's TV weatherman, donning a knit hat and gloves behind the grandstands where President Bush was about to speak. Willard's point during his telecast was that Bush and Kerry's relationship was as cool as the cold front that was headed into Davenport the next day. I nearly dozed off while he wished Melissa Methuselah from Agitated, Arizona a happy 198th birthday. Suddenly, I spotted a skulking Dick Cheney and Condoleezza Rice slipping into a black 1934 Ford. Their suspicious behavior compelled me to follow. After a short drive, they stopped at the Davenport Widow's and Orphan's Credit Union. As they left the car, I noticed Condi was sporting a black beret, and Dick a banded straw hat. I parked, walked over, and peered into the Credit Union's window. Dick was waving a Tommy gun over his head. The customers were lined up against a wall with their hands up. Condi was behind the counter stuffing cash into an old cloth flour sack! I could hear Cheney yelling something about how a citizen's money isn't safe in banks. "The only safe haven is oil stocks!" shouted Dick. Then, Condi jumped over the counter, and Dick fired a burst at the ceiling. With that, they rushed through the doors, knocked me down and flung my head against the sidewalk. Before I passed out, I heard Dick scream, "Hey, you hicks, you've just been robbed by the Democrats! We'll [expletive deleted] you every time!" Later that day, I awoke at the Municipal Hospital and learned that two more bank jobs had occurred. Witnesses to the crimes said the robbers reminded them of a local theater troupe that staged a play based on the lives of Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow. I know the truth about Dick and Condi, but the only people who'd believe me are the ones who peruse the scandal sheet newspapers at the supermarket checkouts that have headlines like "Fifty Percent of Prostitutes Are Space Aliens!" Related Articles Illinois Republicans Resurrect Abraham Lincoln for Senate Run Aug 2 2004
Daily Coverage of Jon Stewart and The Daily Show's Democratic Convention Coverage: Friday, July 30th, 2004
Jul 31 2004
Convention Causes MSNBC's Chris Matthew to Swallow His Own Head
Jul 31 2004
Democratic Convention Coverage: Satire Guild President's Thursday Analysis
Jul 30 2004
Daily Coverage of Jon Stewart and The Daily Show's Democratic Convention Coverage: Thursday, July 29th, 2004
Jul 30 2004
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