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| You have landed on top of: Home > Politics | October 10th |
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 "Stoned Guy" Reports on Monday's Republican Convention EventsAug 31 2004 by Stoned Guy
In light of the mysterious disappearance of International Satirists Guild President Douglass Ramssmullett at the conclusion of his Democratic Convention coverage, DeadBrain has convinced "Stoned Guy," our analyst for President Bush's 2004 State of the Union Address, to provide a review of Monday's events at the Republican National Convention.So they asked me to write this thing, you know, and I said, "Sure!" 'Cause I was planning to camp it on the couch all day anyway, and they brought me some Herbal Essences, dude! Ahhh! Ohhh! Yeah, bro! So I get my wake 'n' bake on, and I get the TV goin', and then outta nowhere it's like HOURS later. I was thinkin' I time traveled or something, but then I was like, "No way," but then I was like, "Oh, WAY," and then I was like, "NO WAY!" And then at the end of the night that bald guy in the glasses doin' the Macarena hand gestures said he could totally see into the future, and I was like, "Whoa." This was a tough job man! The whole day, they're talkin' 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, and it's makin' me think about 7-11 every time and how bad I got the munchies, and these DeadBrain dudes didn't hook me up with the Funyuns OR the Tab either, so I had to go out and I got pulled over because I didn't have my headlights on, and oh my God, I hypnotized that cop into letting me go because of my sacred duty to make this report. But that other guy, McWhitey with the white hair - he really blew my mind, talkin' about how this war we're fighting is all above love, man. L-O-V-E, love! Dude, if you'd TOLD me it was for love like, the other day, I'd'a signed up a long time ago! I'd be in Iraq right now, shoutin' it out', "MAKE WAY FOR LOVE, YOU CRAZY DESERT PEOPLE! C'MON AND SMOKE A FATTIE WITH ME!" Okay, lemme get the red out before I crash here. Thanks for bein' cool, and keep passin' the peace pipe. Related Articles "Stoned Guy" Reports on Monday's Republican Convention Events Aug 31 2004
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