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| You are hovering over: Home > Politics | October 10th |
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 "Stoned Guy" Reports on Thursday's Republican Convention EventsSep 3 2004 by Stoned Guy
In light of the mysterious disappearance of International Satirists Guild President Douglass Ramssmullett at the conclusion of his Democratic Convention coverage, DeadBrain has convinced "Stoned Guy," our analyst for President Bush's 2004 State of the Union Address, to provide a review of Thursday's events at the Republican National Convention.It's the big night, right? Right, and I saved my kindest stash for last, and got out the most Holy of Holies bong, bro. I made it in ceramics class - it's a cast of a big-ass blow-up doll! You light the bud in one nipple, you plug the airhole in the…okay, okay, but dude, it's the sweetest bong ever. So I'm on the couch gettin' beautiful, and whoa! There's that Prez guy I saw like, months ago, and he's even chimpier now. He's got this scab right between his eyes, like he tried to shave his unibrow and cut himself real bad. And he had this weird thing with the back of his hair, like he got into some Monkey Boy fight and had some of it torn out. Then he starts talkin', and I'm like, "Hey, all his Chimpy pals got together with all the typewriters and made, like, a speech out of it!" And I'm tryin' to groove on it, and Chimpy's readin' it slow for me, too, but it's just like I heard it, and then I never heard it. But then I'm kind of trippin' - I mean, I was trippin' hard by then, but that's not what I meant - the TV keeps showing extreme close-ups of people, and they're all, like, hot little betties or old little betties, and I'm like, "Who knew there were all these chicks in Grandpa's Old Peanuts?" And when it's not the chicks, it's all my under-the-skin bros. The black bros, the Asian bros, the Latin bros, they're all there, dude. What happened to all the white dudes? Did they, like, shove 'em in a closet with all the gay dudes hiding from Monkey Boy? So that's it, bro! Thanks for bein' cool. Go rock the vote! Related Articles "Stoned Guy" Reports on Wednesday's Republican Convention Events Sep 2 2004
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