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American Midol: Laura Bush - the Wacko Behind the "W"

Sep 8 2004 by Lani Voivod

Look, I hate to do what I'm about to do to a "Mom" - after all, I'm a Mom, I have a Mom, and I generally dig Moms everywhere—but someone has to do it.

Laura Bush is a five-star wacko.

C'mon, people! We didn't know what "shiny eyes" were until she started using them on us via advanced satellite systems.

Every time I see this Texan Rose on TV, I fully expect four things:

We all watch in horror as she wraps her fingers under her chin and yanks off her flesh, revealing a scaly, orb-eyed mutant.
Her electro-hypnotic paralysis beams course through our primitive communication devices, bestowing upon us the physical gifts of a malnourished kumquat.
Her native planet's militia thusly begins technologically superb air strikes on Earth.
We all become organic fuel for efficient energy systems that run solely on our endocrine secretions.

But it's not just her Stepford-meets-Bride-of-Frankenstein appearance (Jenna recently called her mom "bizarrely clean," while Barbara noted she was "very organized"), or the way you can practically see the Zoloft coursing through her veins.

It's the oh-so-controversial issues she supports.

Behold this delightful gem from her WhiteHouse.gov biography: "Mrs. Bush strongly supports the President's goal to ensure that all children learn to read by the third grade."

Does anybody NOT support this goal??? Are there teams of Democrats out there screaming for a reading cushion of, say, 15 additional years or so?

Same holds true of her other pet projects, AKA heart disease and the plight of women in Afghanistan. I honestly don't think a politician - or a spouse of one - would get very far supporting a nation of rampant heart attacks and clitoral castration. (Though there have been days I've wondered...)

The ol' Ketchup Queen on the arm of the other candidate may let a few smarmy remarks fly out of her well-educated mouth, but, good golly, she should. A First Lady who wears the same tempered gaze and smile for all occasions, like an heirloomed pearl necklace, isn't well-mannered.

She's a certifiable freak.

"Mom" or not.

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