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| You are puzzled to find: Home > Politics | October 10th |
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 Cheneys Urge Lesbian Daughter to Attempt Suicide for Greater GoodOct 21 2004 by John Hetherington
Vice President Dick Cheney has asked his daughter Mary to attempt suicide in response to the John Kerry's cruel invocation of her name in last week's presidential debate.Sources close to the Cheneys report that, while their daughter is not genuinely distressed by being mentioned in the debate, Dick and Lynne Cheney believe their daughter's sacrifice could benefit the greater good. "This goes way beyond Mary Cheney," explained Dick Cheney's former aide Mary Matalin. "This is one of those rare occasions in which something sick and unnatural can benefit something good and beautiful - the GOP ticket." Matalin was quick to point out that Cheney had only asked his daughter to attempt suicide. "Cheney isn't one of those parents who push their children to succeed; he just wants them to do their best." As the Kerry-Edwards ticket continues to hinge its campaign on fringe issues like jobs, education, and health care, the Bush-Cheney camp appears to be resting its hopes on the Republican tickets secret weapon: outraged homosexuals. This may prove to be an effective strategy. A recent study conducted by Self Loathing, the gay Republican think tank, found "the only thing that sickens gay Republicans more than themselves is having someone acknowledge their existence. It literally makes our - I mean their - skin crawl." This goes double for Republicans unfortunate enough to have parented gay children, a fact that Lynne Cheney reflected on during a 1999 interview with Slam the Closet Door magazine. "Sometimes I just don't know how I do it," Mrs. Cheney lamented. "I have a picture-perfect family that others know they aren't worthy of, and yet I have to cope with the fact that my daughter is doing things to some broad that Dick wouldn't think of doing to me." In the interview, Mrs. Cheney denied rumors that she once tried to drown her daughter in a sack. But could the Cheney suicide attempt backfire? Matalin says no. "Cheney knows how to create controversies and use tragedy to his benefit. By Election Day, voters will be gathering to lynch Kerry for having mentioned Mary's name." Related Articles President Unveils Double-Headed Porn Czar Oct 18 2004
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