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| You smell better than: Home > Politics | July 25th |
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 Kerry Preemptively Declares Victory in Election 2004Oct 23 2004 by Michael Gantman
Irritated by what he calls George Bush's "relentless appeal to the stupid," John Kerry has taken the preemptive step of declaring himself President even before the first ballots are counted."I just received a call from George Bush congratulating me," Kerry said to a group of supporters in Eau Claire, WI, last Thursday. "I want to thank the Texas Governor and remind everyone that I am President and to reelect me this November." When asked to comment, President Bush said that he didn't remember making the call and went on to suggest that unless this had been some "weird Bobby Ewing dream sequence" he's really the President and has the towels to prove it. A Fox News poll taken before Kerry's announcement showed the two candidates in a dead heat. But after Kerry's victory speech he appears unstoppable. "I'm going to vote for President Kerry again," said a formerly undecided voter. "I think he's been doing a good job for the country." "I'm impressed," said Bush strategist Karl Rove. "It's a move right out of my playbook." Avoiding any reference to the economy or the War on Terror, Kerry's new strategy is not only attracting voters, but it's also confusing the President. Sources inside the White House have witnessed Mr. Bush addressing himself in the third person and handing out business cards with his picture and the presidential seal. "Anyone can go into a Kinko's and print up business cards," Kerry said, "but the American people will not be made fools of." Bush was planning to go on national television tonight to refute Kerry's claim, but since only the President may preempt scheduled programming his request was denied. Related Articles Cheneys Urge Lesbian Daughter to Attempt Suicide for Greater Good Oct 21 2004
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