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| You have been flattened by: Home > Politics | November 21st |
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 Ronald Reagan Reanimated for Election PushOct 25 2004 by Andy Grainger
On a special Fox News O'Reilly Factor, the Republican Party unveiled a new weapon in their fight to save America from the Democrats and other terrorist enablers - top government scientists showed footage of the reanimated corpse of Ronald Reagan practicing for a return to the campaign trail."We've got him as far as saying 'Well, there you go again' and shaking his head with that smile that endeared him to millions of Americans," crowed Dr. Frank Steiner of Halliburton's 'Conservative Zombie®' Division. "He's just as masterful as ever, although the maggots dropping from his eye sockets are still presenting a visual challenge." When asked if he would be ready to make an actual stump speech, Dr. Steiner admitted that Reagan was still 'a little gamy' but pointed out that he couldn't do worse than President Bush. "Talk about a stiff! Ronnie'll be OK to campaign until Election Day. Anyway, we got Schwarzenegger ready, didn't we? Look at him now; you can hardly even tell he's undead...his wife looks more like a cadaver than he does. And don't even talk to me about Rumsfeld!" Steiner tried to name other reanimates but was silenced by a chorus of shooshing from offstage Halliburton executives. Host Bill O'Reilly hastily cut to the stunning footage, now showing the 'Great Communicator' telling a Hollywood cowboy anecdote in his own inimitable way. The charming effect was slightly marred by the sagging left ear, but all who saw it agreed it was just swell to have him back. Next Week on Fox: John Kerry revealed as kitten-eating Communist spy by HalliZombies® FBI Director J. Edgar Hoover and Senator Joe McCarthy. Related Articles Kerry Preemptively Declares Victory in Election 2004 Oct 23 2004
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