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| You are misplaced along with: Home > Politics | February 9th |
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 Ten Reasons You Absolutely SHOULD NOT Vote in Today's ElectionNov 1 2004 by Allen and Lani Voivod
10. They'll be watching you...Seriously. (If you MUST vote, DO NOT dig in thy nostrils. The image will go in your file.)9. Jeb Bush spent the past four years accumulating counterfeit ballots that will cancel yours out anyway. 8. Since "Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose," it definitely doesn't apply to you. Instead, sit at your Ikea desk, sip your Starbucks, and pay your Best Buy, cell phone, and cable bills. They're due. 7. Ben Affleck thinks you should. Do you really want to submit to the will of a man who starred in Gigli? 6. The Ashlee Simpson lip-syncing fiasco delivered the final blow to your petering faith in humanity. You're a docile, broken-spirited vegetable now, and you simply HATE your new habit of artlessly weeping in public places. 5. The Washington Redskins lost on Sunday. This team's electoral barometer has held true for 17 straight presidential elections. Thus the incumbent, a Mr. G. W. Bush, is toast. In the wake of such scientific certainty, your vote truly is an act in futility. Congratulations, President Kerry! 4. You've got extremely sensitive skin that breaks out in potato-sized hives whenever you're in spitting distance of primary-colored stickers with trite sayings on them. 3. You're a delusional yet law-abiding white woman who thinks it's the year 1916. 2. You're a delusional yet law-creating black man who thinks you really were the most qualified candidate for a seat on the Supreme Court. And the number one reason you absolutely SHOULD NOT vote in tomorrow's presidential election: 1. You'd rather be SNORKELING! By all means, go snorkel, you snorkeling fool, you! The rest of us will dally with these charming democratic rituals - don't you worry your pretty little snorkeling head about it! Like things in ordered lists? Here are some of our past features with numbers in descending arrangements: DeadBrain's Top Ten Satire Headlines for the First Presidential Debate DeadBrain's Top Ten Satire Headlines for President Bush's Press Conference DeadBrain's Top Ten Possible Satire Headlines Regarding the State of the Union Address Janet and Justin's Top Ten Excuses for Super Bowl Sunday's "Peek-a-Boobie" DeadBrain.com's Top Ten Most Popular Articles, Year One! Related Articles Ralph Nader Ends Campaign by Attacking Netzero's "Candidate Zero" for Lying About Free Internet Access Nov 2 2004
Election Malaise Hangs Over American Chapter of Satirists Guild
Nov 2 2004
Thousands of Canadian Seniors Protest Kerry's Drug Import Plan
Nov 2 2004
After High Explosives HMX and RDX Go Missing In Iraq, Bush Targets BMX Bikers
Nov 2 2004
Ten Reasons You Absolutely SHOULD NOT Vote in Tomorrow's Presidential Election
Nov 1 2004
Thrown Off the Bus with Bush
Nov 1 2004
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