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| You are just out of reach of: Home > Politics | February 9th |
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 Ralph Nader Ends Campaign by Attacking Netzero's "Candidate Zero" for Lying About Free Internet AccessNov 2 2004 by Allen Voivod
Ending a campaign marked by utter ignominy, Independent presidential candidate Ralph Nader spoke in front of the New York Stock Exchange yesterday, fighting off panhandlers while returning to his consumer advocacy roots by attacking Netzero's Candidate Zero for lying to a Congressional subcommittee."Candidate Zero swore under oath that Internet service would always be free with Netzero," Nader proclaimed while wearing a rumpled suit that smelled slightly of feline dander. "I have come into possession of a videotape containing footage of Candidate Zero's testimony, wherein he asks the fateful question, 'Whom can you ask to be the last person to pay for Internet service?' Ask yourself that question, Candidate Zero!" Netzero currently advertises its basic Internet service for $10 a month, and uses the profits to fund the War in Iraq. And despite claiming that the Bush Administration has "completely [expletive deleted] [that war] up," Democratic candidate John Kerry is still polling no better than Al Gore in 2000 - even with former president Bill Clinton on the stump for Kerry. As Nader spoke, he shook the Netzero videotape in the air, which was immediately swiped by a neglected panhandler, and purchased around the corner from the panhandler for three dollars. Peeling the "Netzero" label off the tape revealed another label, this one marked "Oval Office Nanny Cam, Feb. '96." The tape was immediately turned over to Republican Party officials, to ensure proper reporting of the story's spin. "This is a Democratic dirty trick, waged by a desperate Kerry campaign, " Bush campaign spokesman Kevin Madden fumed. "First they put that wacko Libertarian advertising on Fox News, and now this. Oh, and hey, can I get a copy of this tape? I mean, Jesus, Lewinsky wasn't kidding about the cigar thing. Wow. That's hot." President Bush also responded to the story, via a recorded message received at the DeadBrain offices. "Hi, I'm George W. Bush," he said, but he was promptly disconnected. Reached in a hot tub somewhere in Los Angeles, Candidate Zero would only say, "What a buncha maroons." Related Articles Ralph Nader Ends Campaign by Attacking Netzero's "Candidate Zero" for Lying About Free Internet Access Nov 2 2004
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