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| News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humor · Dick Cheney |
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| You are misplaced along with: Home > Politics | December 5th |
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Bush's Papal Gamble Pays Off...Sort OfApr 21 2005 by R.C. Johnson
Unfortunately for the President, his last minute selection of Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger - now Pope Benedict XVI - did not pay as he had intended. "I called them Tuesday afternoon, telling them to put 100 on Ratzinger. He's a man of the Lord and I think that's cool," explained Bush. "The only problem is I authorized a bet of 100 million dollars on that German guy. Instead, they accepted the bet as 100 Euros. Leave it to the Irish." Bush later indicated that Congress was aware of his efforts to help the Social Security situation and backed his federal wager on the new pontiff. "Yeah, Congress was a little uptight about that. But when I told them my foolproof plan, they were cool. Even [Sen. John] Kerry said it was brilliant." The President explained that the government's money was never in jeopardy. "I had that covered," Bush confidently announced. "I used old-school methods of spying to make sure that only the right guy was selected." Bush's old-school method involved calling on the Smurfs for assistance. The government negotiated a deal with Brainy Smurf, in which he would infiltrate the Sistine Chapel and inform the President of the winner before any announcement. Efforts to contact Brainy Smurf were unsuccessful. Papa Smurf spoke on behalf of all Smurfs. "You'd be surprised how often we are called upon," admitted Papa Smurf. "For generations we've been used to smurf valuable information in times of trouble. The Smurfs were used in each of the first two World Wars as spies. Yeah, we really smurfed it up for the Germans at Normandy." The President ended the press conference with this prepared statement: "Social Security will be safe for future Americans. We are reaching out to the corners of the globe and Belgium for the surest answers. Keep on Smurfin'." Get DeadBrain delivered to your Inbox! Click here to sign up at our parent site. Consider the weekly and monthly editions, each of which contain all-new, laugh-out-loud office comedy you won't see on the website!
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