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Santorum Charges Benedict XVI "Too Sexy, Too Liberal"
As a cardinal, Joseph Ratzinger was known as "God's Rottweiler" because of his aggressive pro-God stance on a variety of issues regardless of their negative impact on humanity as a whole. Now as Pope Benedict XVI, he's come under fire from U.S. conservatives who claim the new Pope is "all flash and pizzazz and no moral substance."
Though many object to the pontiff's unyielding positions on issues ranging from homosexuality to abortion, and his participation in the Hitler Youth, a growing number of American conservatives are concerned the new Pope is insufficiently sanctimonious.
Chief among them is Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA), who demanded the U.S. pressure the Vatican to remove the new Pope from office, to provide "the moral clarity of a bloody axe."
"This Pope is too sexy and too liberal," Santorum announced to the thunderous applause of the Convention of American Extremists. "How can we have a Church that decries the act of masturbation and a Pope who inspires it?" Santorum admitted that he and several colleagues had been so "riled up" by the blatant sexuality of Benedict XVI that they'd been forced to engage in "shameful acts. And if U.S. senators can't control themselves and behave responsibly, how can we expect our young people to?"
Even more appalling than Benedict XVI's sassy sex appeal is what critics call "moral waffling," noting that while the pontiff deplores abortion and homosexuality, he has never condoned the murder of abortionists or gays. "We need clear moral direction," Santorum insisted, "not the sort of namby-pamby ambivalence that leads a man to desert his own country's army in a time of war!"
While conservatives are urging the Vatican to remove Benedict XVI, there are no immediate plans to take military action against the Vatican if it fails to act.
"The President is obviously very concerned about the issues that have been raised," said White House spokesperson Scott McClellan, adding that the President would use military options "only as a last resort." McClellan further denied rumors that First Lady Laura Bush was seen flirting with the future pope at John Paul II's funeral.
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