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The Crème de la Crème of White House Press Briefings
Our DeadBrain reporter attended the weekly White House press briefing...
With a zigzag pattern in his quick stroll, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan entered the room. Two chocolate cream pies whooshed past him – one slammed into the wall just ahead of him and the other slightly behind him. Reaching the podium, McClellan adroitly erected high sheets of Plexiglas around the top of the lectern. "Shields up!" proclaimed the Press Secretary.
Before saying another word, McClellan ducked below the lectern, and his head emerged barely visible above a desktop nearby, on which he placed a laptop that displayed a news clip of John R. Bolton, the United Nations Ambassador-designate. Bolton's face was beet red, his head thrashing back and forth like a wounded viper, his white mustache violently undulating like a white wave crashing on a Cape Cod seashore. He screamed, "Kofi Annan, I demand that you tear down those ten top floors at the U.N.! Lop 'em right off! They're totally completely useless!"
Poking his head just above the lectern but safely below the top of the Plexiglas, McClellan continued, "As you ladies and gentlemen know, John R. Bolton was stated in your media as President Bush's choice to be our representative to the U.N. But, unfortunately, the President was the victim of faulty intelligence again. The correct choice to heal the rift between our government and the great international body is Michael Bolton, the singer, not John Bolton, the crank."
Splat, splat, splat, CRASH! Three cream pies smashed into the laptop and knocked it to the floor.
Again, McClellan's head disappeared and reappeared at the nearby cream-smeared desk. He shoved forward a new laptop. This one played a Michael Bolton music video.
On the screen, Michael Bolton sang and swayed in front of the U.N. Headquarters. He crooned a love ballad to the U.N. and hugged a Kofi Annan look-a-like.
Suddenly, creamy chaos ensued. Flying pies filled the air. From behind the confection-smeared Plexiglas, McClellan reached around to scoop the sweet gooey ammo into his hand and eat. "I didn't have time for lunch," he explained.
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