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| News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humor · Donald Rumsfeld |
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| You are disappointed to see: Home > Politics | December 5th |
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Senior-Sex Marriages "A Threat to America," Bush SaysMay 28 2005 by Lisa K. Buchanan
President Bush responded to nationwide Senior Pride celebrations this month by renewing his call for a constitutional amendment banning senior-sex marriages, warning that such marriages are "a threat to civilization's most fundamentalist institution."Bush urged Congress to promptly pass an amendment defining marriage as a union of a man and a woman age 61 and under, asserting that senior-sex marriages defy "more than two centuries of American jurisprudery. Besides," he added, "sex between old people is unnatural." Standing on the White House lawn, Bush warned that without a constitutional amendment, all American citizens could be forced to honor the marriages deemed legal by activist judges in Palm Springs and Daytona Beach. "In a personal gesture of support for this amendment, my wife Laura and I have terminated sexual relations from now until perpetuality," said the 59-year-old president. Senior-citizen advocates lamented the president's speech, while religious conservatives applauded. "We have been forced into this battle because a mere 12% of the population wants to redefine marriage for the rest of us," said Luke Matthews, head of the Alliance for Procreation. "Senior-sex activists demand that we radically change our concept of aging. And that will cause us irreparable harm." Jerry Atrick, Executive Director of the Mobile Home Republicans, called the proposal "a declaration of war on grandparents," adding that there are no studies to support Alliance claims that arthritis is sexually transmitted and that aging is a lifestyle choice. He said that senior conservatives, including those who now serve in the Bush Administration, will mobilize to defend the constitution and "engage in lots of diddley-whopping while there's still time." "Mobile Home Republicans would have you believe that senior sexuality is a civil right," Matthews countered. "They'd have every public school in the nation teaching children that it's normal for their grandparents to smooch on the golf course. So-called education films would feature Nympho Nana and Grampy Gonads. And prime-time television? Bea Arthur flashing a breast at Super Bowl half-time." Matthews praised his own parents' cessation of sexual relations immediately after the birth of his older brother, John. Get DeadBrain delivered to your Inbox! Click here to sign up at our parent site. Consider the weekly and monthly editions, each of which contain all-new, laugh-out-loud office comedy you won't see on the website!
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