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Senate Tightens Noose on Lynching
In a move lauded by civil rights groups, the U.S. Senate has apologized for not taking a stand against lynching in bygone times. Lynching, a debatable honor usually granted to minority victims, was actually a popular, crude form of entertainment in small isolated communities, with parents and children observing.
According to Dr. Muffin Swinglow, director of the Institute for the Study of Rude Behavior, lynching was early evidence of the time-honored American love and enjoyment of seeing a hapless victim embarrassed, tortured and humiliated for the edification of an enthralled audience.
"Modern society is still drawn to the spectacle of a defenseless person being dangled and debased," Dr. Swinglow said. "What else could explain the popularity of American Idol?"
Historians say that the Senate refused to outlaw lynching because of pressure from the powerful rope lobby, the American Twine and Cordage Association.
This accusation is strongly denied by Stretch Neckserson, retired CEO of ATCA. "All we done wuz to point out to Washington that ropes wuz very important to the country, fer work and play," Neckerson said. "Our ropes were designed for plowing, drawing water, and swimming-hole swings. Iffen people used them for other things like kinky fornication and necktie parties, that was them not us."
When asked to comment on the fact that the KKK had once been granted a discount bulk rate on the legendary Magnum XL500 Pro-Grade Rope, Mr. Neckerson replied gruffly, "Ropes don't hang people, misguided concerned citizens hang people!"
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