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| News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humor · Donald Rumsfeld |
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| You are disappointed to see: Home > Politics | December 5th |
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White House Jobs Available: A DeadBrain Public Service AnnouncementJun 18 2005 by NM Puff
Senior Sycophant: Chief 'Yes' man to the President of the United States (POTUS), continuously insures no bad news is allowed. Plays checkers with POTUS - never wins. Assistant Sycophant: Acts as sycophant to senior sycophant. Advises senior sycophant on 'plausible deniability' on all matters that might end up in front of POTUS. Senior Revisionist: Edits all documents for public consumption for ideological purity. Requires substantial redaction experience. Coordinates extensively with Senior Purisists (see below). Assistant Revisionist: Acts as revisionist-in-training in event Senior Revisionist becomes ill as a result of work. Senior Purisist for Policy: Important position which develops policies and procedures for ideological purity. May report directly to POTUS. Science background discouraged. Senior Purisist for Implementation: Sets policies and pogroms for implementation of ideological purity. Job may include, but is not limited to, pre-purging audiences, administering loyalty oaths, scowling at and or removing dissenters. Assistant Pretzologist: Explains to POTUS the nuances of eating pretzels. May act as taster for POTUS. Senior Scriptologist/Stage Manager: Insures POTUS knows what to say when addressing crowds. Job may require numerous repetitive sessions with POTUS. Coordinates with all Senior staff when staging events. Insures audiences and background are filled (may require experience in cardboard cutouts). Assistant Scriptologist: Insures POTUS does not get compound, complex, probing or interesting questions. Checks that pages on 'cheat sheets' are in order. Assistant for Laudatory Comments: Nicknamed 'Softball,' job requires prompting audience to effusively praise POTUS. Especially important if Assistant Scriptologist fail to screen difficult question. Jobs listed herein are currently available at your White House in Washington D.C. We hope the information provided will assist you in deciding your future. Get DeadBrain delivered to your Inbox! Click here to sign up at our parent site. Consider the weekly and monthly editions, each of which contain all-new, laugh-out-loud office comedy you won't see on the website!
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