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Incontinent Patriot Fears Prosecution
With the U.S. Senate considering an amendment making it illegal to desecrate the American flag, many conservatives are already congratulating themselves for preserving American symbolism at time when freedom and democracy are challenged by forces at home and abroad. But amidst this flag waving, at least one patriotic American fears prosecution because of his love for the American flag.
Jethro Fullbelly is a patriot's patriot who defended his country in Operations Desert Storm and Iraqi Freedom, and on the home front in the great undeclared war on tolerance. But now, this courageous patriot fears that the country he has bravely fought for will prosecute him for matters beyond his control. Like millions of Americans, Jethro Fullbelly is incontinent.
Like any good patriot, Fullbelly drapes himself proudly in the American flag. His bed is clothed in red white and blue bedding; his shower curtain shows the stars and stripes, as does the sofa he had custom upholstered so he could relax in the comfort and safety of the flag he'd killed to defend. Indeed, everything Jethro Fullbelly owns bears the likeness of the American flag, right down to his size 46 boxer shorts, and that is where Fullbelly's troubles come in.
"I can't control my bowels," Fullbelly bravely confessed to DeadBrain. His embarrassing condition means that sometimes "Old Glory gets messed a bit."
Fullbelly's difficulties began after a liberal doctor informed him he was dangerously overweight. He turned to fat free snack foods laced with Olestra, a product known for its ability to cause anal leakage.
"I'm not proud of my condition. I don't like the fact that I'm leaking crap all over Old Glory, but at least it's patriot crap," Fullbelly explained.
Some have suggested that Fullbelly simply wear different underpants, perhaps something "flag themed" without being an actual replica of the flag, but according to Fullbelly's wife, Patriotica, this is not an option. "My husband loves his country and he's not letting anything other than the American flag touch his privates. If that's a crime, then it's one all Americans should be guilty of."
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