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| You have trodden in: Home > Politics | September 7th |
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Tom Cruise Named Surgeon GeneralJul 4 2005 by JL Strickland
"Tom's way ahead of the curve on this medicine stuff," Bush smirked. "Who else knew that prescription drugs are unnecessary, and psychiatrists are con artists? "This kind of thinking can drastically reduce drug costs. All these silly fools who want a pill just because they're depressed will have to wake up. There's a lot to be depressed about these days. Get over it!" Bush added that parents with hyperactive, out-of-control kids will have to get used to it. "Kids are supposed to aggravate the crap out of you," Bush explained. "Surgeon General Cruise is not gonna put up with all this selfish whining." According to an unnamed source, psychiatrists and tranquilizing drugs are only the first to be debunked. Cruise's ultimate goal is to outlaw heart medications, high blood pressure tablets, and any form of cancer therapy. "People must learn that getting sick is no longer an option," Cruise said, pumping his arms. "And Viagra has got to go," he added. "Guys don't need Viagra for a flagging sex life; all they need is younger women. Nothing stirs things up like kissing a sexy little trick whose breath smells like bubble gum. I know this for a fact." While there is no word as to when Surgeon General Cruise will assume the position, current Surgeon General Richard Carmona has been transferred to Dick Cheney's office. Dr. Carmona will be in charge of the black bag that contains the Vice President's personal defibrillator. And possibly walk the president's dogs. Surgeon General Cruise said he has some loose ends to tie up before he can take office. "I promised Oprah that I'd come back on her show and jump and down on her couch again," Cruise said emphatically. While some economists predict that putting thousands of doctors out of work could destroy the latex glove industry, co-president Karl Rove sees it differently. "Who the hell cares," Rove spat, chubby cheeks quivering. "All latex gloves are made in China, anyway!" Get DeadBrain delivered to your Inbox! Click here to sign up at our parent site. Consider the weekly and monthly editions, each of which contain all-new, laugh-out-loud office comedy you won't see on the website!
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