| |
Revealed: Bush Chose Alito Because "Jesus Wrote the Constitution"
President George W. Bush today revealed that he chose Samuel Alito as his U.S. Supreme Court nominee after the appeals court judge explained to him that "Jesus really did write the whole Constitution."
"Dang, I'd always thought it was Abraham Lincoln or Andrew Jackson or William McKinley or one of those guys," Bush said. "But Sammy showed me that it wasn't. Jesus did, it was right there in the New Testament.
"Of course, as we all know, the United States didn't even exist when the New Testament was written," Bush said. "But Sammy proved to me that it was irrelevant. (The Bible) actually predicted that the son of God would write an epic paper for a new nation and, hey, that was us."
The president said Alito's explanation was the capper that convinced him to nominate the New Jersey-based jurist to replace Justice Sandra Day O'Connor on the nation's highest court.
"Sure, Sammy gets high marks from the far right," Bush said. "And he's gotta be a darn sight better than my dear, close friend and confidante Harriet Miers. She wasn't all that talented or smart, but, boy, was she a suck-up.
"I love his positions on abortion, the whole Roe vs. Paddle, er, Wade thing," Bush said. "And his stance on keeping the Feds' nose out of the American people's inalienable right to own machine guns is priceless.
"But when he sat down and explained how the Constitution was the word of God, and needed to be followed at all costs - except when it benefits my political goals - that sold me," Bush said.
"I've had plenty of conversations with God about attacking Afghanistan and invading Iraq and all that. But knowing that Jesus wrote the Constitution will give me a whole bunch of new stuff to talk about with the Man Upstairs."
Neither Alito nor Jesus could be reached for comment.
Get DeadBrain delivered to your Inbox! Click here to sign up at our parent site. Consider the weekly and monthly editions, each of which contain all-new, laugh-out-loud office comedy you won't see on the website!
|
|
