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Baseball Equipment Managers Fuel Steroid Scandal with Jock Strap Stats
Mar 3 2004 by Allen Voivod
The National Association for Managers of Baseball League Apparatus stoked the anabolic steroid fire in the pants by releasing historical jock strap size statistics for Major League Baseball players.
"As you'll see by these graphs," said spokesman Red Utler, presenting the findings in the US Senate Chamber, empty except for a sleeping sergeant-at-arms, "there's been some drop-off in supporter size - that is, the bondage-dungeon piece of elastic that holds a protective cup. But the dramatic change is in the cup size itself, the supplied majority of which went from 'Adult Medium' to 'Husky Boys Large' over the past five years."
Later asked to put this in perspective, Utler said, "If it's not a snug fit, you must acquit. Just kidding! But really, it's like the gorilla tossing the luggage around the cage if the boys have too much room to move. And what else causes shrinkage like that, aside from threats in the State of the Union Address?"
Responding on behalf of the accused players, oxymoronic model citizen/San Francisco Giant Barry Bonds said, "Just because this Utler guy likes to fondle little boys doesn't mean I got those liver cancer pamphlets because I'm trying to make this AA thing work...wait, what was the question?"
"Damnit," Utler said, "we're not that NAMBLA, we're the baseball NAMBLA! I am just so...ARRRRRGH!"
Renowned psychologist Morgan Fanberg weighed in on the psychological effects of this trend. "Imagine going from walnut to cashew, just to break some lame batting record. You may be loaded in the batter's box, but you're loaded with blanks in the briefs, ha ha! But how would it affect a player? It's like Bill Cosby's joke about cocaine intensifying your personality - 'What if you're an a**hole?'"
When asked if he was referring to any player in particular, Fanberg said, "You'd like me to, wouldn't you? That would serve your agenda, wouldn't it? What are you trying to prove? Which parent whipped you with a plastic reflector stake for the C+ report cards?" Our reporter absquatulated in the face of these questions.
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