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EA Sports Goes to Gruesome Lengths to Break "Madden Jinx"
Mar 31 2004 by Allen Voivod
The mystery of what happened to 2,000 missing "downer cows" in Washington State may have been solved. DeadBrain sources have discovered that videogame maker EA Sports is taking extraordinary and gruesome steps to break the "Madden Jinx" in time for the August release of "Madden 2005 Football."
The four previous Madden cover boys have suffered an increasingly serious series of career setbacks, from Michael Vick's broken leg, to Daunte Culpepper being totally ignored by Rush Limbaugh in favor of Donovan McNabb over that whole black quarterback foo-fa-rah. But is the end in sight?
Shipping manifests reveal that the company's manufacturing headquarters in the Far East has received crates of cow intestines, in addition to candles, knives, Yanni CDs, and the lost eyeball from Oliver Stone's Any Given Sunday.
DeadBrain analysts determined that these ingredients are vital to a Vodun ritual for cleansing objects people of jinxes. Vodun, of course, is the real-life version of what Hollywood calls "voodoo."
"They got the eyeball?" an incredulous Peyton Manning said. "Damn, they're serious. Maybe I should call my agent back. I can't believe I blew this one, too!" He then proceeded, for unknown reasons, to whip himself about the face and shoulders with a rosary.
Ray Lewis could be the first defensive player featured on the game's cover, but wants no part of it. While chillin' at an Atlanta club with his crew, the convicted justice obstructer said, "Man, I'm just glad my probation's over, so's I can drink my tequila sunrises and shoot up again. And tell Madden I heard him tryin' to sing 'Superbowl Shuffle' at the Pro Bowl karaoke night, and he sucks."
EA Sports spokesman Detlef Burr, caught on his way out a local sex toy shop and smelling vaguely of chicken excrement, not only denied that EA Sports was performing acts of Vodun overseas, but also denied that he himself was Detlef Burr, spokesman for EA Sports. We'll continue to pursue him until we can get a proper sound bite.
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