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God: Sick and Tired of Athletes Who Thank Him
In an abrupt end to a lengthy tradition, God says He will no longer accept accolades from athletes for their performances in any sport, pro or college.
"Like I give a bleep about the Kansas City Royals or Cincinnati Bengals or LA Lakers," God said today by speakerphone in a press conference. "Well, I do admire the Laker Girls, but that's another story. I'm sick of it. It's gotten way out of hand."
God said the Royals, one of the worst teams in baseball, are "especially irritating. "They're a lousy team and rarely win. But when they do, they always give Me the credit," God said. "Hate to tell them, but I have nothing to do with it.
"The other day, a guy got moved from first base to left field, then said he prayed to Me that they wouldn't hit a lot of balls out there," God said. "They didn't, but it was a total accident. I was watching the season finale of the Sopranos at the time.
"Another guy thanked me for an off day so his bad knee could heal," God said. "I don't make the schedule. I didn't get him injured, I didn't fix it. I'm not a surgeon. And the manager said I was going to decide when the string of injuries on the pitching staff was going to end. Hah!"
The Royals even had a Christian Family Day at their stadium, which featured a post-game concert by a religious band and testimonials from several players. But God was not impressed.
"Did you see they lost four of five after they did that?" God asked with a laugh.
"Don't get me wrong, I like to watch sports. I even play in a fantasy league up here sometimes. I can name part of Notre Dame's starting lineup. But I do have other things to worry about."
It was unclear what effect God's edict would have, or whether it would prompt more players to praise Allah or Buddha. Neither of them could be reached for comment.
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